a new day

blogger is pissing me off.... my profile is at the bottom of the page... i don't have space breaks when i write... maybe i just need to start anew... i have a new blog that'll be a continuation of this one... so email me if you want the new link... thanks for passing by!

judgement day

question.... what is the first thing you think of when you imagine the following: a young girl, about 16 years old, walking down the street... shes in ratty jeans, wrinkled tshirt... pushing a baby stroller.... on a weekday.... during school hours.... your first thought? loser maybe? wasting away her youthful life, on a whatever guy who got her pregnant, and now her life is gone... at least for the next 18 years anyways... maybe? or what if the reality of the matter was after much thought, she decided to keep the baby by a man who had raped her.... or maybe shes walking her baby sister/brother, and she had minimim day... my point is this.... as humans, no matter how good we try to be we judge... but what if that young girl was your good friend, or sister? you wouldn't judge her the same way right? ever since i got my tongue ring, its seems as if people have been judging me... and when i say "people", i mean my "friends"... when i told my "friend" about getting a tongue ring, she looked at me with disgust, and said "why?!" i was shocked, but not really... a little surprised, but not really... and so i never mentioned anything again.... well last few days, i've been talking to dan and he had offered to volunteer his time for me at work this weekend... well when i mentioned this to her, she said patronizingly, "are you sure? you don't want him there. i don't think you want him there." ugh... I DO NOW! don't tell me to not do something, because i'll do it just to spite you... but i was upset not because she may have disagreed with me but the fact that she knows me, knows my past and history, and yet to judge me as if i was some stranger... disagree with me, fine... think i'm stupid, fine... but don't judge me for the things that i choose to do for me... especially when your life is just as fucked up, or even worse.... it hurts when you realize your "friends" aren't really the people you thought they were...or at least hoped to be...

You Are Not Allowed To Hurt Me Anymore....

a low down dirty shame

there are not too many things i regret in my life... but when i feel it, i FEEL it... and the nite i saw dan, i did something very bad... at the time, it was something i thought i wanted... hell, i thought it was something he wanted too... and at the time, without understanding it, although its quite obvious now, i said i wanted him to have something to remember me by.... i wanted him to have something to always think of me... and so i gave him something, and now... i haven't heard from him since sunday...nor did i expect to though.... but i just feel so fucking dirty and shameful of what i did... i feel like he used me, but at the same time, i let myself be used... i was available and let him took it... and a part of hates myself for letting it happen, and i take responsibility for my part in it, but a part of me hates him too for using me and then not using his fucking brain to at least make one obligatory post morning phone call... i am just so angry at myself for putting myself in that position.... i just can't believe i was "that girl"....i can't believe i did something that i told myself i would never do.... i need a clean shower to rid of this dirt and shame....

my lips are sealed...

"Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good you can't get it anymore, if it's bad you just had sex with an ex."

Question of the Day

Baby i want for nothing Just your tender sweet loving I know you've got your things to do But tell me what means more to you Hanging out with me or with your boys Sometimes i do get lonely With no you and no one to hold me You want so much to lay me down Is that what keeps you hanging around Is that the only way to win your heart? Well if i loved you a little bit longer if my love was a little bit stronger would you stay? baby please stay if i granted all of your wishes give you more than touches and kisses would you stay? i need you to stay I'll be yours forever but can we keep us together? Every night I lay and think about it If you love me you could live without it But i dont wanna do you that way I dont know exactly what im feelin' I'm kinda scared but then I'm kinda willin' Will you promise me just one thing? No matter what you're gonna stay...

don't leave me...

too much, too soon

yes its true... dan emailed me and he told me he was moving... up north... 8 hours away... he has an interview on the 22nd, and if all goes well, he will move up north at the end of summer... i have written it down, i have said it out loud... but it still seems like its not real... i'm still numb and shocked... and i've cried every nite since he told me... oh, and i also saw him last nite... i was so shocked by his news, that i called him, and told him i'd get him dinner for moving out and doing something hes been wanting to do in a long time...(thats my way of showing that i'm fine, and supportive, and that i don't need him and hey! lets go celebrate! when in reality, if i could chain him to my bed so that he wouldn't go anywhere, i would).... so we went to dinner, and talked... i asked him how he found my blog, and he says he just happened to be browsing and stumbled upon it... do i believe him? i dunno...thats damn lucky if its true...there are millions and millions of blogs out there, and to stumble upon mine that easily? and i dunno because i think he lied to me before... the first time i saw him again in april, we met at a restaurant....we were supposed to meet at 9 but he didn't show up until 9:15....he told me he was on his way, and that he was not at home, but in fact on the freeway.... according to my blog, he came on to the site night at 8:58 pm....the restaurant is a mere 5 to 8 minutes from his house.... why did he tell me he was on the freeway when in fact he was at home, reading my blog? see? i dunno.... nonetheless....we just caught up on stuff...had golden spoon....saw the omen (its okay...definately a rental) bastard, i was hoping he'd hold me during the movie cuz its scary but he didn't.....and i was freezing, and he said nothing, and did nothing... speaking of which, when i found out about having my slogan plasted all over the bus shelters, a part of me thought of him, and thinking how he would have been happy for me...how he would have been really excited for me... well when i told him, he wasn't all that enthused..... he was just kinda like "eh, cool...what should we do next?" ?!?!?!?! i was hurt and disappointed he wasn't all happy for me.... but you know what REALLY sucks... i'm sooooo in love with him....still.... its like the more he hurts me, the more i love him.... and i'm still confused... and the thing that makes me so frustrated and mad is how unfair it is... it is a year ago this month that he decided to no longer be in the relationship (well in reality at one point or another we checked out but i was still trying but he stopped long before) and i still care for him.... i was telling someone how i'm trying to move on, and how i don't need him, and she said something and then i said something, and she looks at me, and shes like "you still love him, you're making excuses for him...." shit...yeah i guess i do... and it seems unfair that he breaks my heart, yet hes the one moving on with his life, and going to all these great places and having fun...and its not fair that he can't love me back.... i know i deserve better...i do i swear... but why is it, when i go out, all i see is his face.... or his car, and i think its him... and i have a fear that he may have used me... this weekend i got my tongue pierced (i'm pretty boring...i don't drink, smoke, hate the club scene, and i'm not promiscuous....and while i have no desire to do anything of these things, i kinda wanted to rebel a little...to do something crazy and out of the box, so that when i'm 30, i could say i did that when i was young....plus, i always wanted to know what it was like...) and he kissed me.... was it really me he wanted? or was it my tongue ring he really wanted to try? he said it was not the ring...but i'm not sure i believe him either.... i don't know if i'm just being stupid and insecure but that time in april, we did nothing... and now hes kissing me and touching me in all my places.... all i'm sure of right now is, once a heartbreaker, always a heartbreaker....

the beginning of the end...

Fri, 9 Jun 2006 12:19:44 -0700

Hey how is everything going? How have you been? Did you find out if you got into Long Beach? I talked to your brother yesterday and he told me that he made the basketball team. He was sounded really excited... we talked for a bit...he mentioned that he would be having a tournament coming up, I told I would like to see him play, you wouldnt mind if I came out and watched, I dont want to make you feel ackward or anything. Anyways are you still working the 2 jobs? You going to summer school? Hey when is that 24 hr walk/run event that you have once a year?

Fri, 9 Jun 2006 22:59:34 -0700

For me, I just am tired, stressed and frustrated,
but then again what else is new. I am
actually moving at the end of this month,
I already started packing my stuff,
its crazy. 

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 23:48:30 -0700

thanks, I know that the transition shouldnt
be too bad. I know I have
to stop stressing, I just went to the
doctors the other day and my blood
pressure was 150/90... I am moving
 to the cypress/buena park area, then
planning to move up north at the end
of the summer, its kinda of crazy.
How are your parents and rest of the
family? Did your Mom make it home
safely? Hope all is well with you.

dan

its a wonderful life...

today, my friend called me and left me this message about how shes going on an interview tomorrow, and she wanted me to go with her because shes really nervous and since i'm so positive (ok, wtf? i'm cynical and complain about how my life is going down the toilet everyday...) she wants me there to support her while shes in her interview... at first, i'm thinking to myself that i can't do it cuz i have to work...and i need the money and hours, so i can't go with her... well... i'm taking tomorrow off... what the hell right? i dunno what came over me...all of a sudden i found myself calling my coworker to cover my shift for me.... and the thing is, i KNOW my friend wouldn't do the same for me... so why did i do it? i miss feeling needed.... whenever my ex was sick, i was his 24 hour nurse....his grandma would always be like "well you're here i'm not gonna worry about him..." i dropped anything and everything to be there for him... and its been so long since i felt needed.... and this thought brought me back to a time when i was having a conversation with my therapist...i had wondered if i died tomorrow, would anybody really care...now, no i'm not gonna jump off a bridge, nor do i ever intend to, but just imagining for a sec, if i were gone tomorrow, yes people would be sad and cry and blah blah blah... but i guess i wonder if my "friends" would remember (?) or care (?) a few years later... i don't know if those are the right words but lemme give an example... i've been fortunate to not have dealt with death too much in my life...but when i was a senior in high school, a classmate of mine died in a car accident....i couldn't bring myself to see her at her open casket wake (i just wanna remember her beautiful living face) but i did go to her funeral.... i bawled...i had never cried so hard in my life....i was inconsolable.... thing is, we weren't really friends...hell, we were barely acquiantences....but by the way i cried, you'd think we were best friends... and now, 5 years later, i still have every intention to visit her, but haven't... i guess thats what i mean...would anybody care.... (sigh)... is that bad? that feeling... of being wanted and needed.... because it scares me... the thought that i would actually take a day off of work just to go sit in a car while my friend goes on a interview? or am i just trying to be a good friend? but to someone whom i know wouldn't do the same for me? or am i just trying to do some good karma? i'm not sure...but whats done is done...all i know is that if i were in a tough bind, i'd like someone there to hold my hand too...or at least sit in my car with me...